Night 4: Friday 10:42pm




 Dosage: 5 grams.

Well, here we are: the heroic dose as X. put it. I'm equal parts excitement and trepidation. I almost decided not to and then I get an influx of confidence and bravado and take the whole lot down rather quickly, choking it down with an Irnbru I found in the fridge.

The trip shoots off like a rocket, almost as if we just started off where we stopped on Night 4. A familiarity has been built up, an intimacy. What I have observed as ‘beginning symptoms' all cycle through extremely quickly: the discomfort in the stomach, the yawning and tearing up from the eyes and I sat on the couch trying my best to watch them happen as impartially as possible.

I kept the lighting low and the phosphene effects and visuals were remarkable and much stronger than previous nights, owing to the augmented dosage most likely. Then, without warning, as if they were being controlled by a puppet-master, my hands shot up to my throat and unzipped my jumper all in a flash, a precise movement. I was stunned watching it happen and chalked it up to a tick or a reflex, but it was unmistakable how precise my motor control was.

This began another level to my perception, I felt that something was in my immediate area, unseen but present and watchful. Something unseen was there in the flat, just above and invisible but its presence tripped my sense, like the sensation that one gets when they are behind stared at, only stronger. A whole other sense of power came down over me. It was extremely disconcerting, and I felt a bolt of energy go through all of my limbs, like I was plugged into a power source.

Next, the impulse to stand up and go to the bookcase at the other side of the room made itself known, like the path was already lit up for me. I stood up on shaking knees and my legs practically moved on their own in a strange lurching motion until I was in front of the books and my hand shot out to pull select books from the shelves and throw them to the ground. I watched my body to this as if I was just a witness. After nine books, my arms shot back to my side. I stood and waited for what was next for a few minutes. And I felt like I could hear the lightbulbs buzzing and the energy through the whole flat could be heard buzzing in different tones.

My brain was overloaded with stimuli and I went into my room to lie down in the dark and promptly fell asleep. The next morning when I woke up, my dreams were not remembered but there was a darkness, like something happen but was obfuscated in a perceptual fog.

Notes the next morning:

After some reflection, the events of the night before make no more sense in the cold light of day. I do not know what happened, but I know it was outside of my realm of comprehension. Perhaps these were the machine elves that Y. joked about, controlling me like a puppet?

Regardless of any explanation, this was a shattering experience for me to look back on because (up until this experiment) I prided myself on my rationality, on approaching everything scientifically but those methods make no difference in this case. Last night, I can verify for myself that I was fully under the control of some other consciousness.

The books that I pulled from the shelves looked seemingly random but upon closer inspection, there seemed to be a common thread, they were all my roommate's books: a biography on Amelia Earheart that I had flipped through once or twice, 'Meetings with Remarkable Men' by George Gurdjieff, 'Annancy Stories' by Pamela Colman Smith and 'Frankenstein' by Mary Shelley among others.

The methodologies and precision of western rationality seemed so totemic and sturdy that they could support any weight but now, I see that they were a house of cards. They can't begin to explain what happened to me last night or in the the other nights where I Ingested mushroom for that matter. I know that something profound happened and if I acted too quickly to try to explain it to my peers, they would explain it away as simple hallucinations. Now, I am starting to see X.'s side in our occasional beer-fuelled arguments. Still, I refuse to budge even an inch on the subject of Bigfoot. That's just plain cobblers.

I have chosen to continue with psychedelics, they have taught me more than enough to change the vector of my life. The rest is up to me to continue to explore but I have no idea how to continue. Again, I have no idea how this can be done but at the very least, I must change my current academic trajectory. I can't possibly pretend that observable physical and universal laws are nearly enough to explain what is going on in this life and universe. I can't pretend that any more.

I have to meet with a University advisor, I have to do something to begin to evaluate my options. Ha! That's a rational approach to use! So there is still room for logic and rationality in my life. But they are the tools and no longer the master.

I know that my consciousness is the master and I am merely the vessel through which consciousness expresses itself in form. This is an absolutely disastrous paradigm for the person I used to be. My materialism has all but dismantling itself from the ingestion of a shrivelled up piece of fungus. What a strange world full of wonders! I am sad that none of us will live long enough to see all of the wonders that this world contains.

But we can certainly try.